A day in the life 

Up until this point I have given you little snippets of my life. Little doorways into my thoughts, and my children’s lives. But I haven’t yet told you how bipolar disorder affects my day. It’s something I don’t really share with anyone as a rule because anxiety fuels my brain most of the time and people like to tell you you’re being irrational when they don’t know the feeling. They can sympathize but they can’t emphathize. My husband didn’t really “get it” until a few years ago when he had his first panic attack. He thought he was having a heart attack and luckily it wasn’t that, but still a life long beginning of medication and treatment for an issue he can’t control, and didn’t ask for. So I’ve noticed overall he’s more understanding and doesn’t dismiss my freaking out as often. In a way it’s nice but I also feel guilty for feeling that way considering the reasoning behind his understanding. Empathy can be a double edged sword. Of course it’s nice to be able to be there for someone in a way that you can truly connect and feel something with them instead of just being there for them. But it also means the negativity and pain goes both ways too. I find that I completely avoid the news, sad shows, hospitals, and anything else that could potentially put me into a depressed mood. I am so effected by the things around me that I kind of have to shield myself from the world. I think this is the main reason my anxiety is as bad as it is. It’s like when Alice is falling down the rabbit hole, you never know when you’re going to smack the bottom so you kind of just have to free fall and hope there’s a mattress or something soft at the bottom. That’s my life. Constantly in limbo. I dread every call, every conversation, every time I check my Facebook, having to leave my house just because I don’t know what the day will bring. Being manic is kind of an escape because the time you get to feel “carefree” you don’t think about what will happen when it’s over. You get to live in the moment a bit. The end result is always bad and I try to think back to what I was thinking at that point in time but I can’t. My memory is awful. I can’t remember huge chunks of my life. Every once in a while I’ll remember a snippet but it’s hard to decipher if it’s really a memory or just what someone told me happened. So sometimes at the end of the day I have no idea what i did. Sometimes when I drive somewhere I can’t remember the drive at all. No idea if I stopped at stop signs or how I even got where I was going. Now I have had some serious depression episodes. I have also had some serious manic episodes. Actually my last manic episode is the reason me and my husband ended up filing bankruptcy and lost everything including our cars and house. Just a couple major bad decisions can change your life forever. I have been on so many medications and seen so many therapists and it works for a little while and then WHAM it stops. After my last manic episode threw me into a massive 2 year long deep depression I decided to go see my doctor again. I did so much research to see what the side effects were and what I could be on long term that could also be increased multiple times when necessary. I decided to try Wellbutrin. It was something that had been used for many years so it had been studied and the kinks worked out. It has changed my life. I have increased once but I am mostly level and have been for a while now. When I do rapid cycle it’s very short and I am better able to notice before it’s too late. Unfortunately I haven’t found an answer to the random outbursts of anger and rage. I’ve learned some coping mechanisms and sometimes when I’m able to stop for a second and take a breath I remember to use them. It makes me feel so guilty and horrible as a parent to overreact. It’s been especially hard since #1 has ADHD because his inability to focus and follow instructions mixed with me having a fuse the size of a pinhead is not good. We have good days and bad days but I think we’ve come a long way. He does his best and I do mine. I always make sure I apologize if I flip out and I always make sure he knows I love him more than the world. The good thing is I don’t have the energy to really rant for too long. It leaves me exhausted. I’ve pretty much accepted things for the way they are and I know I’m strong enough to roll with the punches when they come. Today has been a good day so far. And that’s all I’m focused on now. ❤️

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