I’ve been doing a lot of reflecting lately. My therapist always told me my issues were not setting boundaries with people in my life. I’ve finally figured out a way to do that over the last three years and it’s had a lot of positive and negative effects. With some people who had too much of a negative hold on me, I’ve been able to distance myself emotionally and only allow them to get close when I’m able to, without feeling guilty or letting them take over things. With some, I’ve put walls up completely, shutting them out because I can’t emotionally deal with them. Either they have bad memories or are just a negative influence on my life. It’s been rough but it’s honestly made my life so much easier and so much less stressful. And sometimes people aren’t happy with me, but I have to do what’s best for me mentally and emotionally. I can’t be the one who rescues everyone or I end up on an island, alone. I’ve realized a lot of my insecurities and although I haven’t figured out how to overcome them, I’ve figured out how to be more accepting of myself the way I am. Lately has been a little bit of a struggle. I see old patterns coming back to light from places I don’t want to remember and it scares me. It’s not enough to just know that I am in a better place, making better decisions because I also know that sometimes when I make decisions my view is skewed and I have to readjust my thinking. People in my life that I care about deeply are having problems that I can’t fix. Depression is such a blanket disease. It’s something I fully understand and have experienced the worst of it and still can’t tell you a single way to fix it or feel better. So now that it is affecting people I care about I’m at a loss. I feel the need to control the situation and I can’t and losing control is detrimental to my spiral down the rabbit hole. How do you help someone with something that you can’t even fix in yourself? The only thing I can do is offer support and try to be there as much as I can. I wish there was more I could do. The guilt is overwhelming. Then there’s also the issue of my 5 year old who is doing great on the adderall but it has enabled his anxiety to take over. He’s pulling out his hair at an alarming rate. He stresses out over nothing and constantly overreacts to situations. Things I know oh too well. My options are to try behavioral therapy or start my 5 year old on an ssri he may never be able to stop taking. It’s a balance. And I’m trying to keep the unicycle upright as best I can. 

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