My little world

Today we saw a therapist for my son. The adderall has been controlling his behavior and making his life easier academically but he’s still struggling emotionally and socially. He can’t control his emotions and he gets upset and frustrated so easily. He’s been pulling out his hair. His therapist says that his emotional and sensory issues along with not being able to handle situations with high stimulation or being able to make friends and want to play with kids could possibly be autism but for now, she’s diagnosed him with just a general anxiety disorder. I have felt so helpless for so long. Watching him struggle and try to understand other children, watching him get his feelings hurt by kids just being kids, watching him wither away because he doesn’t want to eat or waking up at 3am and realizing he is still awake. Watching him go into a rage over the smallest thing and beating himself in the head or watching that rage make him lash out and seeing how immediately sorry he is. Watching him feel out of control and knowing there’s not a single thing I can do about it. I know that out of control feeling, I’ve felt that rage that you just can’t control and I know that I would never want even my worst enemy to endure the way that feels. To feel like you can’t control your own mind. Other people don’t understand, and how can they? They don’t see what I see. They aren’t here with me, they aren’t checking up to see how he’s doing. They don’t see how lonely he is all of the time, but how hard it is for him to let control go just long enough to play with someone. How tired he is going to school after one of those sleepless nights and just waiting to see how it’s going to affect his day at school. Constantly waiting by the phone for the school to call with an issue. He is so smart, the academics are a breeze to him. Which puts another layer of separation between himself and his peers. It’s extremely difficult to watch him struggle. His fears are my fears and his worries are my worries and his sadness is my sadness. If you spent one single solitary day with him you would understand how special he is. How caring he is and how big his imagination is. How much he knows and how quickly he learns things and how he views the world with this adorable little innocence is just the best thing. I wish I could make him feel better. I wish I could heal his pain and never let him feel it again. But I can’t. So for now I’m just going to continue being the best damn mom I can be and exploring every single thing that could possibly make his life just a little bit better or easier. It’s very frustrating to see people downplay things he feels and things he needs but those people aren’t important. He is. I have to be his advocate and I have to fight for whatever he deserves. And I will. And if people are left in the dust because of their “opinions” or “advice” then that is just too bad for them.  They are truly missing out on an amazing kid. ❤

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