It’s been a rough morning 

I’m having a hard time this morning. Something triggered some memories and got me all kinds of sad. There was a point in time a few years ago that was probably the lowest point in my life. Everything was crumbling. I was severely depressed, my meds weren’t right and I didn’t know what to do. And at that point I looked around and these people that I had dedicated so much of my heart to were gone. That’s when I realized people can say they’re there all they want, they can spend years with you and learn all of your secrets, and get so intertwined in your life and then just let go. I don’t understand it, but that’s just how some people are. They think no matter what you’ll be there because that’s the type of person you are, and it hurts so much sometimes to be there but I do it. The pain of being there for someone and feeling so much love for someone knowing they could just forget about you so easy is overwhelming. Most people who hit rock bottom and built themselves up again like I have would probably be bitter, and just grieve those friendships and put them down as a loss but I can’t do that. Somehow even after all of the hurt and pain and feeling of abandonment I’ve had I’m still open to just jump back in. I went to therapy for months to mourn the loss of someone who I thought was going to be there for the rest of my life, my best friend and the therapist said it’s so hard to grieve for someone who is still alive and it was. And no matter what every single day I wondered where she was, how she was doing, if she missed me like I missed her. And I cried myself to sleep just about every single night. I secluded myself and retreated inward. Now looking back, I am not mad, I’m not hurt, I’m just sad. Sad that there were people I would swim across oceans for that wouldn’t jump over a puddle for me. And I understand now that just because you feel a certain way and you wear your heart on your sleeve doesn’t mean people are going to do the same. So now, I have friends but I keep them at arms length. I have set boundaries in my mind to keep myself safe. And maybe that’s what normal people do, but I’m not normal. And I know that. And I thought those people knew that too. ❤️

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