Setting boundaries 

Sometimes in life no matter how much you care about someone, they aren’t good for you. And at that point, boundaries have to be set. I’ve never really been good at that. I like to go all in and give all of me to everyone which many times, has caused me great harm. And now I feel like one of those plants in the movies sending out my plant arms and someone chops off the end so I shrivel back up into myself, and that piece of me dies. 

Grieving a friendship is a real thing. And that may seem like a silly thing to say, but think about it; when someone dies, they aren’t there anymore. So you grieve and you miss them and there’s some point of acceptance where you accept that they aren’t here anymore. You can’t reach that step when that person is still around. So it’s just the denial and anger and sadness that ping at your heart every once in a while. Or if you’re like me and give everything you have its all the time. I have learned from my experiences though and now I know how to set boundaries. Sometimes it’s still difficult, and I do slip but I forgive myself. One thing for me, is no matter what if someone asked me to do something I would say yes. Whether I wanted to or not, whether I already had plans or whether my anxiety wasn’t having it I still said yes. And if it turned out that I couldn’t do said thing then I would feel guilty and it would eat me up. Now I’ve decided that I don’t have to feel guilty for not wanting to do things. For instance, if someone calls wanting me to visit and I say no, then that’s no. That’s it. No more feeling guilty. You should never have to apologize for the way you feel, and I refuse to anymore. This is a huge point I want more people to understand: We do not get to pick how we feel and therefor we do not have to apologize for feeling that way to ANYONE!! 

Same goes for toxic people. I may think you are a wonderful person but if you are toxic in my life, I can’t be around you. And I can’t feel guilty for that because I am who I am and my mental health is my number one priority. Above all else. My kids can’t have a good mom without it, my husband can’t have a good wife and I can’t be good to anyone unless I’m good to myself.

 So, I don’t feel guilty for the way I feel anymore. It’s changed my life. I’ve found that I don’t hold onto things like I used to. I don’t get mad for very long. I don’t need someone to validate my thoughts and feelings anymore. I accept me for me and if you don’t like it, there’s the door. And some people may see that as being selfish, but sometimes you have to be. You can’t be constantly giving yourself out or sooner or later all of those pieces that have been cut and killed will be all you have and that’s not good for anyone. And that’s not to say that I am not generous and giving in my relationships, I just do what I want to do and I don’t let anyone guilt me into more. 

My whole life I have been so hard on myself. Constantly feeling like I’m not good enough, or unworthy, or undeserving. If I forget to fold the laundry or give the kids a bath, I feel like I’ve failed. I’m constantly comparing myself to other people my age and feeling like I’m not where I should be. Constantly worrying about what more can I do to feel like I’m contributing? And this has caused me a lot of unnecessary stress and anxiety. So I’ve set boundaries with myself. I have accepted the fact that there is only one of me and I cannot do it all. Things need to get done, kids need to be cared for but there’s also gotta be some space for me. I know I need time to recharge everyday or it’s not good for anyone. So I have to tell myself, you’ve done enough. I have to be nice to me. If I can’t, then how can I expect anyone else to? If I have no respect for myself, how can I expect my children or other people to respect me? So I am trying to give myself some breaks. To just let go and do what I want to do, and stop being a control freak. Take a moment to breath and feel better. Some days I feel good, some days not but I’m trying. And that’s all that matters. 
Have you ever had to set boundaries in your life? 

2 thoughts on “Setting boundaries 

  1. Mom

    I am SO proud of you!!! Your grandpa used to always say, ” they can get glad in the same pants they got mad in.” I feel like that was his way of saying you have to worry about you and yours. As Uncle Danny always says, ” they are going to do what they want.” You have to look yourself in the mirror, so taking care of you and yours is the main priority. You have such a kind heart and unfortunately, people can physically and emotionally take advantage of that. I love you and keep doing you…because there’s no one else like you!!!

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  2. Karen

    I like to call this detaching with love. Detaching with love is less harsh and more flexible. We don’t step in and take responsibility for their behavior and love them where they are instead of where we think they should be.I have borderline personality disorder, so this is very difficult for me. I think in very black and white terms, so I often have to step back and evaluate and ask myself if I’m responding based on my anxiety (aka my emotional mind) or my proper thinking pattern (aka my wise mind). I learned some of these skills participating in DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy). I’m far from perfect, but it is helping me to slowly grow in a positive direction.

    Thanks for your post, and I look forward to reading more!!

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