Ok, so for most of you this isn’t new information. But let me just say a few things before anyone decides to get some, “opinions” or “thoughts” on what I mean.
So, for a long portion of my life, I have been completely and utterly against any kind of conflict in my little world. I would literally bend over backwards and spread myself thin just to avoid an argument. And not even just for myself, I didn’t want anyone arguing. I did have a few triggers though.
Number one was always bullying. And I don’t care how you define it, anyone who can judge, or put down someone else is a bully. And I don’t like that. It will get me mad (and trust me, that’s not an often occurrence for a reason). There is not one person on this earth who can say they are better than any other one person. We all have our flaws, and we all are made and think a little differently.
The second thing that has always set me off, but more recently has gotten me my title of “asshole” is when someone apologizes for the way they feel. This meaning “sorry I have been so depressing”, “sorry I bitched to you for an hour”, “sorry I was in a bad mood”. You get the point. I will be the first person and possibly the only person that will give it to you straight, all the time. And that has caused conflict in my life, and it has changed some relationships for sure. Guess what? I don’t care! I am certainly not going to apologize for being in a bad mood, for being bitchy, for being too depressed to come hang out, for not wanting to talk on the phone, or for any other thing I feel or don’t feel like doing or saying. If you don’t like it, oh well.
My point is, you also shouldn’t have to apologize for the way you feel. Your SO pisses you off every time they vacuum? Oh well! That is how you feel and try as you might, it will not change. You have absolutely no control over the way you feel. It is internal. The thing you can control is how you react to it. You can be a huge bitch and tell that person they suck at vacuuming or you can just acknowledge that it aggravates you and move on. Having the feeling isn’t your problem, it’s the reaction to the feeling that causes problems. And listen, if you’re upset about something and someone refuses to validate that you feel that way, even if they don’t agree, that person does not deserve your time. We all have to understand that people cannot control how they feel about things and move on.
Good story for you. My poor husband has to deal with me and the way I “feel” about certain things all day long. Yesterday was Mother’s Day and I was upset that I didn’t get to sit on my ass all day and be catered to. Was I allowed to feel that way, absolutely. But should I have been all pissy and petty because of it, not at all. So, he asked what was wrong and I told him. I told him why I was mad and also that I knew it was irrational and he knew that I wasn’t mad at him, I was just mad. That’s just how it goes. Feelings are irrational. The best example you can find of this is children. Children do not hide or mask their feelings one bit. If they are happy about something, they show it. Mad, they show it. So when your kid tells someone they didn’t like their birthday present, although your first instinct is going to be to yell and call them ungrateful (or maybe that is just me) but you shouldn’t. Yes, they should acknowledge that thought and care were put into that gift choice, but that doesn’t mean they have to like something they just don’t like. And I know there will be a lot of backlash about “being polite” and all of that and let me just say now that I absolutely refuse to make my child mute their feelings so that you can feel better. Won’t happen. Yes, they will be polite and say thank you and please but they are not meant to boost your ego for the day or to make you feel better about yourselves. They get to feel how they feel with all of their little hearts and it is my job to teach them to express it in an appropriate manner.
We need to learn to be more empathetic in our day to day lives and more sensitive to the way people are feeling. We also need to stop pushing our thoughts/feelings/opinions/advice onto other people. Unless someone specifically says to you, ‘I’d like to get your advice on this part of my life’, keep it to yourself. If you have to tell someone, tell your husband, or your mom. Those people you can trust to tell you you’re being nosey and judgemental when you are. Even when someone does ask for advice, the best thing you can do is just offer a sounding board for their ideas and let them work it out for themselves. Reason being, you never have all the facts, because you aren’t in the same situation or in that person’s mind and you can’t make an educated guess without all of the facts.
So, in final if you are scrolling through facebook and you see someone had posted a picture or wrote something about “stay at home moms are lazy” or “addiction is not a disease” or “medicating your kid is abuse” or anything else that just makes that little person in your head say, ‘what an idiot’, just remember that it is ok to feel that way, but your best option is to acknowledge you feel that way and move on.
Miserable people spread misery and that shit is contagious. Don’t let it get on you.