Acceptance

What an odd word for this situation. I don’t accept my brother’s decision to kill himself. But what I can accept is that he made that decision and there isn’t anything I can do to change it. Mental illness is invisible. So when someone is suffering with it sometimes you never even know. So although they’ve been sick for a long time and trying to fight it, when they lose the battle it leaves us with a lot of questions. It’s hard to accept when you can’t physically see it. My mom says that sometimes it doesn’t take a culmination of dark moments but just one at the wrong time and that is true. I think more often than not, all it takes is that one second. That one bad thought. No outside force can control it. No one will ever understand why someone would do this because we can’t read minds and even if we could, everyone experiences things differently. I know asking why and trying to figure it out seems like the logical thing to do. Trying to make sense of nonsense won’t help you move on. Accepting someone was sick and they aren’t anymore is the only way to find peace. I use an app that had me write a letter to him and then write a letter from him. It helped me. Trying to put myself in his shoes instead of wondering why made a huge difference. Trying to understand he had a sick mind and he had an alcohol problem instead of trying to figure out who did what and who could have done what differently is important. Blame has no place here. You can’t move on if your holding on to negative feelings like blame and guilt. And I know that’s easier said than done but it’s something we have to try. Everyone is dealing with a loss. Your questions aren’t more important than someone else’s feelings. I’m going to try my hardest to put the questions behind me and decide what I can do with my future to make a difference. ❤️

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