Denial

Today is hard. I don’t know why but today has just been hard. I just keep trying to wrap my head around the fact that I will never get to see my brother again. My brother, who I shared 25 years and endless memories with, is gone. I don’t really wonder why anymore, I’m sure he had his reasons, now I just wish it wasn’t true. I wish this whole thing was just a nightmare and I could wake up and talk to my brother again. I know that isn’t going to happen. 25 years old. I find myself wondering what his life would’ve been like ten years from now. Would he have had children? Would he have an awesome job and a house? Would he have moved closer? Would we have been closer? I just miss him like crazy and I wish there would be some sign that he’s ok and he made it somewhere on the other side or wherever he was meant to go. Some sign that says ok he’s no longer in pain. Maybe one day. His birthday is next month. He wouldve been 26. Still so young. Only thing I can do is keep moving forward and keep his memory alive, but also move on with my life. Time has kind of stood still lately in my mind. The days have just kind of blended together like a glob so I hope that doesn’t stay. I hope I don’t feel this way forever. I hope one day soon I can look back and have wonderful memories and be at peace with his loss. Until then though I just have to keep holding on, taking things moment by moment, and doing only what I can and nothing more. Not expecting things out of myself, just getting done what I can and not punishing myself for not doing more. ❤️

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